Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
