I think i peed on brittanys purse
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
