I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
