Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
