Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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