I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
