you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You're like the curious george of whores
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
