Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
