I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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