i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
