So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It's official drugs can't kill me
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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