Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I bet he comes in French.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Randomize
