I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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