I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
