College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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