I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
