somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
home. puking in laundry basket.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
