I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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