Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
