They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
