I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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