i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I am mentally ready for anal.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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