I didn't shave. On purpose
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
