I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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