Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
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They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
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Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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