first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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