Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
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for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
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I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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