I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
