Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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