update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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