He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Randomize
