I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
