FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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