a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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