I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
