No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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