Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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