My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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