hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
