You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
