When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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