her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
