I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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