I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I can't put those talents on a resume
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
