I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Randomize
