I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
