My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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