Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
