Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
