i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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