dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
