Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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