A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
we should paint friendship bongs
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