you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My feet surprised me
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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