For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
