dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
